Outfit dump

I want to be a mother

I want to be a mother. I first acknowledged this at a friend’s birthday party last year. A group of us were sitting on her front porch talking about our hopes for the future. As I began to speak, surrounded by Prosecco in plastic cups and cigarette smoke, my friend interjected and said “George wants to be a mum”. Until that moment it hadn’t occurred to me how much the word ‘mum’ was connected to the way I would like to parent.

 

I have known from a young age that I wanted to have a family. I was always toddling around with a baby doll glued to my side. I’ve always wanted children and confusion soon crept into my mind when I was about seven because I wanted to hold Harry’s hand instead of Maisy’s. I only saw babies sandwiched between the love of a man and a woman, but I knew that was never going to be the case for me. I remember thinking, how is this going to work? I had no knowledge of what being gay meant. I had never seen queer families in the media. So I began to wonder how my future would pan out. As I grew into my teens I began to understand not only the biological limitations but also the social and economic pressures queer parents face in raising a child. Now I look back there was definitely an air of simplicity in what my mother used to recite, “When two people love each other very much, they have a baby.” She neglected to mention the catch, it’s not always that simple. Especially if you’re gay. 

Societally we have been conditioned to allow our gender to influence how we approach parenthood. I have always longed to raise children with the person I love but knowing my children would be raised by two men did at first concern me. This is primarily due to the lack of exposure I’ve had to non mother-centric homes. There aren’t many positive portraits of fathers being empathetic or nurturing. I suppose there’s Yentl’s father in Streisand’s 1983 film Yentl, but he was her only caregiver and he dies so... Apologies for the niche Barbra Streisand anecdote, she is always my first point of reference. In terms of the representation of motherhood, if I look back to my Catholic childhood; I was taught to glorify Mary as the mother of Jesus, or if I look to literature I grew up reading and the likes of Marmee in Little Women: a woman who wholly encapsulates warmth and selflessness. Even in one of the first books my mum read to me ‘I’ll love you forever’ by Robert Munsch. The everlasting quote being “I’ll love you forever, I’ll love you for always, as long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.” I cannot think of a time I have seen this level of everlasting love and tenderness through a male-centric narrative. This is why I have yet to find a parental narrative I feel happy placing myself in. 

There is this insecurity within me that worries whether I will be good enough for my future children, solely because they won’t have a mother. I don’t have a womb where they can grow. I fear the process my spouse and I will undertake, I feel that whatever option we decide to choose will be judged. If it is surrogacy, I worry about the lack of involvement we’ll have in the prenatal process. The money that it will cost. What country to choose based on what one has the best legal system to support surrogacy? Then there are the situations we’ll find ourselves in, for instance I can predict that we’ll be constantly asked “the baby will have lots of female role models, right?” Of course the baby will, I’m gay, all my friends are women. I then think about it logistically and worry about how I’m going to make the two weeks of paternity leave stretch. Will I get any longer than that? Will I have to quit my job in order to take care of the baby? These are just a number of questions that bustle around my brain when I think about potential parenthood.

My relationship with my mother does reflect what’s presented in popular culture and I think that has always given me great comfort as there weren't many narratives I could recognise myself in. There is much to admire when it comes to my mother but her eclectic knowledge never fails to amuse me, her areas of expertise, alternative medicine and Ayurveda or when she told me over the phone to “buy B12 capsules it’ll keep your energy up”. She’ll always be there to give her two cents, I can always count on her opinion and rely on her advice, especially with something like a break up. It’s the kind of advice I’ll then subsequently reuse when giving friends pep talks. I have found that now we no longer live under the same roof. We also look very similar. There is not a family gathering that goes by when someone doesn’t say “don’t you look just like your mum.” Our dark features and almond eyes are prominent like an ink stain amongst the rest of our relatives. Signifying how much I am a part of her. I also cannot deny the influence she’s had on me, particularly my interest in fashion which is a result of systematically sitting every Saturday with the bribe of a Pret baguette. As I watched her try on reams of satin skirts in Jigsaw or rummaging for Replay jeans in TK Maxx. 

I do have this underlying disassociation with what it means to be a father because I was mainly raised by my mother. The home I grew up in had its tumultuous times but my mother was the constant. I have a complex relationship with my two fathers, yes two. My parents divorced when I was eighteen months old and from then my stepfather was in the picture. So I have two father figures, Dad and Baba, who both hold substantial resonance in my everyday life. Be it the visual signifiers from my Dad, the lines that flow from my eyes as I laugh or how my brow furrows like his. If it’s not that, it’s my constant search for Baba’s approval and the expectations I place on myself.

Separating the idea of distance with fatherhood is something I’ve struggled to grapple with. As a child I would spend every other weekend with my dad, those four days a month precious to me. However with the break in my routine and feeling like I lived out of a bag, it did feel alien at times and I didn’t always feel like I fitted in. I can remember being three years old and scrambling my sparrow-like body under his shirt and clinging onto him. I felt a distance between us which I tried to physically combat, finding comfort in a state of darkness with the cotton of his shirt brushing against my cheek. Looking back it appears that my opportunistic mind was trying to fuse us together as father and son, in the rationed time we shared. As I got older it began to frustrate me that I did not know much about him, members of my family would share anecdotes or compare us yet I couldn’t see the parallel. And there was nothing to blame really but time constraints. It was not until I was an adult when I felt I got to know him as a person.

My perception of my parents and how either one made me feel was present even in the small acts of our daily routine. I fondly recall falling asleep to the steady melody of my mother’s voice reading Stuart Little, it was as if E.B White’s words created embers, adding that extra warmth as we clambered together, huddled up in a ball. Our closeness unparalleled through our fondness for this little mouse. All enclosed with a warm embrace, was a kiss and an “I love you”. Just in case I forgot. Bedtime with Baba went a little differently. He would first tell me “go up the wooden hill to bedfordshire”. And when it was his turn to read, he would sit on the floor by my bed, his back tall and leaning against the bed’s hard shell. His eyes fixated on the book. I wondered what was better about the floor? Whilst he read I would sit there listening and look intently at the curvature of his ear and his sprouting stubble. Longing for the comfort I usually felt during the daily procession of storytelling. I longed for the cool space between us with my tiny toes unable to articulate my want for him to, could he not just, I just wanted him to sit with me. 

To me growing up my Baba was the shining example of a man. He was a handsome, well spoken man who looked after us and exuded safety. He would arrive home every night immaculately dressed in either a navy or black Armani suit with a coordinated shirt. You would hear his Church’s brogues clap against the tiles before he entered. He’d circle the room, kissing us all individually on the cheek, infusing the space with his musk and the faint smell of the tube. My Baba is a creative and hard working man who doesn’t care for football. He was the kind of man I could see myself grow into which is why I have always wanted to impress him. This, combined within his innate perfectionism and particular nature means that this endeavour has had its challenges. His expectations have always been high and arguably unrealistic. Table manners were important to him and from a young age he expected my sister and I to act accordingly at the dinner table. I remember my frustrated tears because I couldn’t balance the knife and fork as he liked, “fingers on top”. The image of him sitting across from me and micromanaging my movements occurs every time I make a big decision. 

However, my parents have always allowed me to be myself and that really is the most important thing. I do have the best parts of them and I have come to realise that through starting and navigating my own life. Even though I have this worry that I won’t be enough for my future children. I do need to be confident in my own awareness of how I would like to parent. And that the two of us, me and the man I choose to raise them with, will give them an upbringing filled with love; one where on a Sunday morning they’ll wake up to the sound of a Desert Island Disc with eggs and soldiers on the table. A home filled with books, newspaper cuttings and an extensive DVD collection, even though we’re in the era of Netflix. A home where they’ll be able to express themselves how they wish and be fully supported. I cannot deny that I will continue to worry that I will subconsciously fall into the role of a father I was presented growing up. But with silencing that inner voice I hope and I know that one day I will be proud to be called someone’s dad.

90s mom with 90s phone quality

Comme Des Garçons (Like the Boys)

Reboot

I have decided to revamp this blog I had in my teens to curate a space for the odd article, outfits and just a general portfolio for future endeavours. It just seems right to have a place where everything can be stored. 

I consciously chose to keep the old posts up, much to my current mind's dismay. They are quite entertaining to look back on and I think its important to see where it all started. And like Barbra would say, I would hate to have my memories all misty and water coloured. If you want to laugh at my 15/16 year old mind, then have a whirl. It is hilarious to realise myself, how I have changed but also have I have not changed. Some of my references will just not shake. I would love it though if you wanted to keep up to date with my endeavours post uni and beyond. This will hopefully be a place where I can experiment with my writing and styling, and be a slightly "professional". 

George Clark

Pizza Express Employee who listens to Harry Styles

GUNCLE GARY GOES TO ALDI

Elio Perlman meets Bubblegum

Charli XCX And Her New Band Nasty Cherry Are Set To Release A Documentary With Netflix- Fizzy Magazine

Charli XCX has revealed she’s partnered with Netflix in creating a documentary following the story of her new band, Nasty Cherry. After releasing singles “Win” and “Music with your Dad”, we get to witness the behind the scenes and the formation of this badass and unapologetic new girl group. The show, “I’m with the band: Nasty Cherry” follows a group of young women, Charli, Chloe, Debbie, Gabi and Georgia. The documentary follows a girl band who are new to the scene and how they navigate the music industry; showing the obstacles apparent as a consequence of the current climate in the industry, whilst being incredibly fun, original and authentic.

It’s girl band but make it fashion, make it pops of colour, make it glam. They are really changing perceptions on girl bands for good and we’re so excited about it. The documentary with be released on Netflix on November 15th so make sure you tune in.

George Clark 

2019

Acne X Mulberry Leather Goods Collection- Fizzy Magazine

Acne and Mulberry are set to release their leather collaboration on November 5th, much is left to our imagination since no spoilers have been released. However, we have been told that the main accents of the collection will include bags and small leather goods, blending the signature styles of the two brands in harmony. What we have been shown is the logo which will be used for the collaboration, displaying the classic mulberry emblem whilst incorporating the sleek minimal iconic Acne branding.

We are eagerly anticipating the collaboration and look forward to seeing how both houses play with merging their quintessential designs, hopefully achieving a beautiful blend of Anglo-Swedish trademarks; the UK’s classic shapes with Sweden’s modern sleek edge. 

George Clark 

2019

The Exploration Of Afrofuturism In Daily Paper’s New Lookbook- Fizzy Magazine

Daily Paper, an Amsterdam based brand, just dropped their new lookbook exhibiting the exploration of Afrofuturism, by incorporating an amalgamation of nods to African diaspora and elements of Sci-Fi. The exploration of African diaspora is successfully reflected through Florian Joahn’s work, through the use of distorted imagery and subsequently captures the essence of science fiction by playing with configured shapes, angles and vibrant color. 

The collaboration between Joahn’s imagery and Jean Paul Paula’s styling encapsulates the exploration of shape and print which is played with throughout the ‘19 fall campaign. By using classic materials and prints such as denim and snakeskin but instead subverting standard conventions and creating a fresh futuristic edge to them. 

Overall the collection is successfully encompassed through its stunning editorial curated by Daily Paper, displaying the talents of Joahn’s photography, Paula’s styling and hair styled by Keash London. Make sure you check out the collection now and be on the right side of fashion history.  

The collection is available now to shop at Dailypaperclothing.com , prices ranging from $40- $600 USD.

George Clark 

2019

BEAUTY - published in Fruitcake Magazine (2019)

The influential nature of aesthetics has put a burden on our society and has attempted to teach us what is classed as conventionally beautiful. This has enabled individuals in our community who fit the conventional mould to supposedly live with less discrimination than other members of the queer community. For argument's sake you could compare it to being synonymous with passing privilege for trans people, people in the LGBTQ+ community who coincide with Society’s classic conventions of beauty seem (this is a generalisation) to have an easier time being accepted. This is relayed in the media where muscular straight acting gay men are being given a visible platform whereas someone who is femme presenting is not, someone who subverts the narrative of the binary are frequently underrepresented which is why there is a danger with inflicting these ideals and beauty standards on the queer community. 

This is apparent within the community as well, there is an unconscious dependency to follow suit with Society’s binary mould however for a queer person that can be challenging. In turn this has the opportunity to create dysphoria simply because one’s authentic self, one’s beauty doesn’t conform to Society’s outdated preconceived notions of beauty. The perceptions of beauty that are projected onto us carry a multitude of negative prejudices found within the community; from femme shaming to blatant racism apparent on gay dating apps to it’s influences on transphobia. Even though evidence of acceptance and growth in representation all of queer people in the public eye; there’s still more to be done in terms of understanding that queer is beautiful, regardless of it’s presentation.

Therefore to counteract these problems that are rife in the community, the mantra, “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder” appears to convey a great message, that should hold more resonance amongst queer people as it seems to portray the message that no matter which way you choose express your beauty, you are beautiful. 

By eradicating the age-old perceptions of beauty on one’s self it will create space for everyone to feel beautiful regardless of how they present themselves.  The most important aspect of beauty is to feel beautiful rather than strive to look conventionally beautiful, to live out your true beauty. In essence, beauty is a complex idea constructed by forces that are out of reach to most of us and all we can do in ourselves and as a community is to create our own personal perception of beauty for ourselves. The outcome of beauty should be to bring happiness into our lives rather than hurt as a consequence of trying to conform to Society’s binary views on what it is to be beautiful.

George Clark

Ballet dancing through lockdown

It was a few weeks ago, I say a few weeks with uncertainty. Since the days recently have seemed to congregate into a collective mass, much like the aisles of Primark during the January sales. As I was monotonously scrolling through Facebook instead of being productive. I came across a video of a ballet dancer, Adam Boreland. Who decided that during quarantine he would post free dance classes online “to spread the joy of dance”. Something he would say with his American optimism. From that first like button, I knew that this would be the antidote to my lockdown lulls.

Adam is a member of the Orlando Ballet Company, who is more than qualified to lead these tutorials. He has a natural flare for teaching. His classes range from beginner to advanced with a mixture of barre and stretch classes to focus on technique. Each class without fail; is accompanied by instrumental ballads, coffee-fueled enthusiasm and his campy demeanour. But don’t let that fool you. He in fact has a beautiful wife Ashley, who occasionally joins in with the classes. The sessions are recorded and streamed live onto his Facebook page, ‘Dance Accepts Everyone’. And are readily accessible whenever you choose to partake. His signature slogan ‘Dance Accepts Everyone’ albeit somewhat cliched does remove any hesitations one has when considering to make the first leap. His work is rewiring an age-old consciousness, that Ballet can be an approachable form of dance. 

I could easily trivialise myself and tell you that my interest in ballet is fueled by the monochromatic tight clothing, pink shoes, dramatic amounts of hairspray, hair grips and buns. Oh and let’s not forget the bulges. Or My childhood affinity with Angelina Ballerina, maybe? Or again, my angsty teenage admiration for Natalie Portman in Black Swan? It is true that I would be lying if all of the above didn’t have a certain magnetism. And I cannot deny that I do enjoy putting on my makeshift outfit, to feel the part of course. The outfit consists of the tightest top I can find, then tucking it into my navy long johns, which are usually kept for when I visit my friend in Edinburgh. But once I’m in the zone, I feel like the shackles have fallen off my feet and I can dance. Once my body starts to move the accessories are no longer important. It's only the connection between myself and my own body that matters. 

I have had a fascination with ballet from a young age, it has always been on the outskirts of my interests. As a child I took weekly dance lessons and I’ve always been an avid attention seeker.  

Although I never took ballet. There was something in me that discouraged me from partaking. I think it was because it was the only class I had to start at the same level as my younger sister. At five years old that wasn’t ideal. It then became something I never really explored, there was always an excuse that held me back. I don’t know if that was my brain subconsciously protecting me from any extra harassment. Let’s just say that there had been little to no positive conversations surrounding boys engaging in traditionally non-masculine activities. The Harry Styles Gucci 2018 campaign hadn’t dropped yet and men wearing pearls wasn’t trendy. Expression of femininity or the reconstruction of masculinity was not widely discussed. Ballet definitely fell into the category of activities that was considered amongst my peers as something only girls did. I will not try to understand prepubescent boys' logic but for that reason I was conditioned to dismiss my instinctive interests to avoid getting picked on. I now as an adult, have the self confidence to experience new pastimes without fearing other people’s opinions.

Although it seems that I saw weakness in ballet, I have had an innate association with ballet and strength. My Dad was a promising dancer when he was young and got accepted into the Royal Ballet school. Certain circumstances meant he was unable to enroll and his life followed a different path. He doesn’t speak of it often but when he does, he always speaks about dance with the same fondness one would have for their childhood dog or how my grandmother recalls the glory days of Cilla Black on Blind date. I think because of the connection I have with ballet and my Dad, I have always seen strength as a vital part of ballet. And I think his demeanour and poise is an ongoing reaction from his dancing days. 

The form needed to successfully execute the positions means you have to maintain muscular strength and it does make you sweat. This is something I did not expect to happen when you stand on the spot for the majority of the class. My naivety I feel is genuinely shared by the majority. Hence the misconceptions surrounding this art form. The beauty of ballet lends itself to being seen as effortless which is ironic since the craft takes years of dedication to master. In terms of ballet and masculinity, a turning point for me was seeing Matthew Bourne’s Swan Lake, the sheer mass of male dancers felt revolutionary. To witness a male heavy ballet company perform the classic Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake was a moment I wish my younger self  could have witnessed sooner. It opened my eyes to a newfound perspective on dance, I felt empowered by feeling represented within this art form. The sheer magnitude gave me an extra push to finally explore dance again. 

The class usually begins with plies, starting with the slight bending of the knees, then grand plies, which is similar to a squat. This all incorporates the bare, or whatever apparatus you can hold onto. The class develops and the footwork becomes more intense and with the preliminary steps, such as releves. All this is preparing you for when you elevate your legs and feet in later exercises. His method usually involves him guiding you through each exercise by addressing pointers as you dance. Adam has a steadiness that makes the movements easy to follow. He greets newcomers with warmth and is never patronising. The class takes place in his kitchen, where he will use various forms of counter tops or even a steamer as a barre. His beginner classes follow a similar formula each time. You are warmly welcomed by Adam clasping onto a mug of coffee, something he will reference throughout the class. Imagine the amount of times Lorelai Gilmore references coffee in Gilmore girls, it's around that level. After a general catch up through the Facebook comments, the class commences. To start, stretches, specifically focusing on your hamstrings. It does sometimes feel like your leg is in a taffy puller but the impact it has on your movement later on in the class. Throughout the class there is a continuous concentration on the intricacies of how you position your feet, legs and limbs. The coordination involved encourages you to connect with parts of your body you may necessarily not have used before. There is a purpose to my body’s movement, a goal. The regular practice has given me a sense of routine that I am otherwise missing from my life. Through having conversations with friends I have realised I have begun to speak about dance the same way I talk about yoga. I don’t think this is a mistake, I feel there is a genuine connection between the two practices and how they have a transformative effect on your mind. I understand that my approach to ballet lends itself to creating a space for personal exploration rather than the vigour and dedication professionals endure. I am engaging with beginners choreography and I am no Billy Elliot just yet. However I do feel in that moment that there is an importance to how my body moves. His process is definitely effective and his expertise enables you to access the tools to progress through the session and each class you feel that bit stronger. The element of progression is vitally important during this time and is certainly a comfort when external forces are at a standstill. This is really effective as it encourages you to improve your technique whilst you're within motion. The live streams conclude with reverence, or the bow sequence, which encapsulates the overall sentiment of the practice. You are congratulating yourself for improving yourself, coming together with a community to connect with the same movements and moving your body. These are all qualities we are currently missing in the world. 

In terms of approach-ability, I would even go as far to say that the outcome is the opposite of what I thought I would feel. Of course I realise I am no Darcy Bussell but there is an overarching sense that ballet is unapproachable. The general conversation surrounding ballet is that you have to have danced from the moment you first walked. There is no comparison to myself and a Prima ballerina, if only. Albeit, I do feel strong and powerful, whilst I dance but I have also recognised its influence in other aspects of my life. After a few classes, I really felt a difference in how I held myself. Instead of carrying myself with slightly hunched shoulders, a consequence of suppressing my true self as a young teenager. I have noticed a shift in my posture, my shoulders sit further back and my head naturally is propped a little higher. It feels like I have discovered a newfound confidence because of it, the kind of confidence Naomi Campbell exudes on the runway. 

I decided to consider if others felt this same effect, through personal research I found an article for Forbes that examined the connection between ballet and becoming a greater leader. The contributor, Shellie Karabell dissects particular aspects of the dance that you can directly apply to your work environment. The two that encapsulated my experience the most were that  “You learn to “present” yourself.” and that “You finish things.” These two elements you can apply to your life seem more essential than ever in this current climate, the pandemic has personally affected me in terms of procrastination. I have found it a nearly impossible task to concentrate for extended periods of time. Through practicing alongside Adam, he has taught me to focus during this trying atmosphere we are living through. The other influence Karabell noted was the attention to presenting yourself. This is also a consequence of quarantine that there is not the same expectations to get dressed. Personal presentation has simply become less important since we have nowhere to be. This sudden shift has definitely impacted my mood, I very much enjoy the process of getting dressed for the day. Although I still do, the excitement I get from getting ready for that day has been snatched from me since no one will see my efforts. With Adam’s class I am able to present myself in another way but in a context which I can apply to this current situation. The gratification I feel from holding my arm in the correct position is unparalleled at this moment in time. 

Therefore I really commend Adam for his efforts to make dance accessible to a much broader audience through social media. Through recording these videos he is successfully able to share his talent whilst positively impacting a community of people ranging from novices to professional standard dances. If there is something to thank lockdown for, it has to be the discovery of ballet as a form of mindfulness. I would like to thank Adam for his dedication to posting frequent videos of such high quality content during this time. The benefits I have experienced mentally throughout these sessions need recognition. To access his insightful and accessible tutorials  you can find his content on Facebook and YouTube easily. Adam’s class is one I would recommend to anyone who is searching for a new outlet during lockdown. 

Lockdown reading look